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With everything you have placed over the years on your CAFE D’EPARGNE booklet, I think you will finally be able to realize your dream: to buy a military grade satellite! Yes, you read me well, we are no longer in the movies there, it’s finally a reality !!

For the modest sum of $ 5.5 million (less than a private entry -level jet), this is what United Spaceports Corpthe company that will be in charge of the future LAS VEGAS SPACEPORT. Their offer? The Black Star 1000 will therefore be the first personal military satellite in history available for Mr. and Mrs. Tout-Le-Monde (well, those who have emptied their PEL, their life insurance, and sold a kidney or two).

So why now? Well imagine that the idea germinated in the head of Rob Lauer, the CEO of United Spaceports, following a diplomatic incident called “Signalgate”. Last March, the American national security advisor Mike Waltz accidentally added the editor-in-chief of The Atlantic to an ultra-confidential signal conversation concerning military operations in Yemen. Gloups!

He said to himself: “It would still be cool, if instead of going through applications as a signal, everyone had their little Pépouze satellite!”(Yes he talks like that, Rob)

But then what do we get exactly for $ 5.5 million? Hang on, here is the list of features of this brave beast of space:

  • An NVIDIA data mini with integrated AI to run your trading algorithms or global domination calculations
  • A crypto portfolio because storing your bitcoins on earth, it’s Soooo 2023
  • A camera with a distance sensor to observe the earth and in good narcissistic pervert that you are, Stalker your ex from space. Who says better?
  • A telescope for space observation which is perfect for looking for extraterrestrial civilizations during your insomnia
  • Secure satellite communications “military grade” to finally be sure that no one listens to your WhatsApp conversations
  • A descending link in X band For rapid data transfers
  • An S band for the command and control of the satellite
  • A dedicated support 24/7, that is to say spatial engineers at your night and day service
  • Solar panels for power
  • And a complete land station to communicate with your orbital toy

And as a bonus, you will have the right to launch on a V2 rocket, uh sorry, SpaceX, all in a “small fridge size” package which will be placed in low terrestrial orbit. It means that your personal satellite will pass over your head at regular intervals. And if you are really demanding (and even richer because Madame Alain de la Caisse d’Épargne has recommended her best squirrel investments), you can opt for the geostationary orbit in addition, which will allow your satellite to remain fixed over a specific point of the earth.

But then, what do we do with his personal satellite?

Well if like me, you are an important completely paranoid CEO, you can use it to secure your ultra-sensitive communications far from the indiscreet ears (and hackers). Large investors you are could, for example, monitor parking lots of shopping centers or port activity to make investment decisions before everyone else. The owners of many private residences around the world could keep an eye on their property. And for the real geeks that we are, it is simply the possibility of creating a communication network that is completely independent of land infrastructure. Goodbye Free !!

Without forgetting the Kiss Kool effect “I am richer and more geek than you”During your next Lan Party.

In short, the modular architecture of the Black Star 1000 will also allow the possibility of future updates, a bit as if you buy an ultra powerful but orbit gaming PC. And for ultra-extension, it is even possible to add a receiver to your private jet to stay connected to your satellite during your trips. It’s really the intergalactic class.

Beyond the gadget for billionaires and other Katy Perry, this makes it possible to make the use of space accessible without being a multinational or a government. For a little less than the price of a luxury villa on the Côte d’Azur, you will have your satellite, which will still ask a few legal questions because we are here in a legal vacuum on property and private use of satellites, particularly those with “military” capacities. Indeed, the Treaty of Space of 1967 certainly had not planned the emergence of billionaires (or drug cartels) having their own orbital infrastructure. And who will be responsible in the event of a collision or production of space debris? We don’t know about it!

In short, at this price, the Black Star 1000 represents the culmination of our dreams of independence from total geekage. It’s better than buying a private jet, a yacht or a monkey NFT, I think.

United Spaceports promises the first launches within 2 years. Look forward to seeing that! And in a a little more distant future, they even hope to be able to launch these satellites directly from the Las Vegas Spaceport, just to make the experience even more exclusive.

Now, if you had 5.5 million to spend, would you prefer to pay a satellite or 800,000 kebabs? I know, it’s difficult to choose between space and fat.

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